The Jack Bauer Guide for Beer Noobs

March 4,2010 by 24 Comments

Note: This is the introductory post in a 5-part series called Beer Newbie Missions, a crash course in how to like beer for those just getting started.

We Need You

The terrorist threat of infecting all society with mass-produced light tasteless beer is growing greater.

Against an enemy this powerful, the beer-enlightened are forced to bring in their best weapon – Special Agent Jack Bauer.

The beer world needs saving, and Jack Bauer is calling on you to help. Even for a guy who has trained with Delta Force, SWAT, and the CIA, this job is too much for Jack to handle alone.

You’ll need to be brought up to speed on craft beer. Jack’s planned 5 missions for you to complete before you receive your ranking – Special Agent Beer Geek. Follow the missions and you’ll have the knowledge you need to join the beer-enlightened.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

Preparation Mission:

Before you start the heavy training, there is one action you need to take right now:

Clear out the junk.

Purge your fridge of anything that ends in Light, Dry, Ice, or -weiser. If it looks like this, this, or this it has to go. You get the idea.

If you’re going to be a special agent you’ll need to cut all ties to your former life as a beer novice.

Don’t worry, that empty space is about to be filled by something 1000x better…

Check in by leaving a comment down below. Whether you’re new to craft beer or a veteran, I think you’ll find this fun and informative. Who’s on board?

About Billy Broas

He is the founder of The Homebrew Academy, a BJCP beer judge, and the homebrewing expert on the Rocky Mountain PBS television show Colorado Brews. He lives in the fine beer town of Denver, Colorado.

24 responses to “The Jack Bauer Guide for Beer Noobs”

  1. William says:

    Can I just say that if you could PhotoShop your head onto Bauer’s body this would increase my enjoyment 10 fold! I’m ready for my mission, sir! The fridge is clear!

  2. Tim B says:

    @William- I was looking for it!…lol

    Billy, I love where this is going!

    Keep it up, bro!

  3. Brewmaster says:

    As my name implies, I am no noobie. However if Jack needs a helping hand, he can have both of mine.

  4. Pumpky Rhodes says:

    Teach me….I’m sick of not enjoying beer….I need good shit

  5. Jimmie the Mum says:

    Reporting to duty, anything for my country..

  6. Dr. B says:

    Lock and Loaded…oops!

  7. Booya! I’m in. No light beer in this fridge.

  8. Billy Broas says:

    All right it looks like we got some good recruits!

    @William & @Tim At first I was thinking the exact same thing. Specifically, I was going to make Jack blowing up a Bud truck with a grenade launcher, but then I remembered I’m terrible with PhotoShop.

  9. Don says:

    I’m in Billy, but watch out for double agents! The Macro spy’s are everywhere!
    .-= Don´s last blog ..Surfin’ Safari =-.

  10. DC says:

    Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

    Let’s instill some fear in these light beer drinkers

  11. Matt says:

    Pretty sure Eisbock doesn’t cound as “Ice.” But one I’m not sure about: Is Yuengling considered junk? I scored a leftover 12-pack from a recent baby shower…

    Ready to trash it if that’s what’s required in the war on terror.
    .-= Matt´s last blog ..Ever make your own BBQ sauce? =-.

  12. Billy Broas says:

    @Matt Yuengling is fine by me. It was my “gateway” beer and will always have a special place in my heart. I recommend you finish the 12er off after one of your marathons. With that speed, I’m counting on you to be a scout in this war and need to keep you in tip-top shape!

  13. Uncle Steve says:

    My marriage could be on the line if I get rid of the Corona. I have pushed it to the back of the fridge only to be fronted by rows of great Billy Brew beers (Those you recommneded to me)

  14. Luc says:

    Just found you on twitter, love your site, and ready to put my Army skills into action. Attempting to clear my fridge of Samuel Adams Winter Classics case over the next couple days.

  15. Billy Broas says:

    @Luc Thanks for kind words on the site, glad you like it! This is actually one of my favorite posts as silly as it is. Good luck on your mission into good beer. Stop back in and let us know how it’s going.

  16. dot dot dot says:

    by clearing the fridge do you mean drink all the beer well if jack needs my help… im not old enough to buy beer im 19 anytips to get around that?

  17. Stew Guidry says:

    First time reader, long time drinker. Looking for my badge for service. Hopefully this ride is much much longer than 24 hours.

  18. Gina says:

    I just decided to learn to like beer earlier this summer. I’ve gone to a couple of beer fests to expand my palate (or create? bc I still do not LIKE it yet, but I’m working on it!) and figured I should learn what all these beer terms meant. That’s when I stumbled upon this site. It’s great. Can’t wait to start my mission!

  19. 13 Bottles says:

    Done, Done, Done

  20. Bob T. says:

    No Dudweiser- check
    No light beer of any kind- check
    No Coors-check
    4 bottles of Shiner Bock- hmm, drink or toss? What say ye- beer or not?

  21. Z4ch says:

    I just started drinking beer; aside from some previous mistakes in my past I have been drinking land shark and Magic hat… It’s better than the other stuff I tried but I’m not a huge fan.. What should I do?

  22. Daniel Duron says:

    Teach me your ways sir!

  23. vane says:

    Ready for the journey

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